Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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