I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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