I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
