Yo dont text me then not text me
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
