Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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