Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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