We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
