Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
