She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I have so many feelings about this burrito
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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