he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
