I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
