I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
