I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
