I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
