Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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