I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
