i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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