Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
50% drunk capacity currently
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
