What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
