I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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