I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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