haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
