I think I won the penis lottery.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
