Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
