Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
