I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize