the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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