The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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