How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
