i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
