How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
