then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
bring money and cleavage
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
