somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
