i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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