i don't like sucking hair
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
