That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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