So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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