I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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