sarcasm needs its own font
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
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