highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
