1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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