well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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