i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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