the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
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