i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
