yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The uberlube is also flammable
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize