I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
