Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
In America we eat man semen.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
