I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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