never play flip cup with pint glasses
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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