oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
