i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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