she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
