I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
