??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
