So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize