guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
