Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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