I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
