I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
