Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize