It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
