My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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