I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
