I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize