if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
