they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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