so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
